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Dear Care and Feeding,
A little over two years ago, I took a work trip overseas, leaving my kids, then 12 and 13, in the care of my partner, their stepfather (who loves them and is a stable, responsible person who had been in our lives for eight years). While I was at sea, I got a terrible message about my 12-year-old.
She had tried to take her own life. She was already in regular therapy before this episode, but neither her therapist nor I had any idea that she was suicidal. Thank God she got through and is OK. Now, of course, we have all medications locked up always, and we’re hypervigilant about both that and her moods and mental health, even more than we were before.
Onwards to now: Daughter has had ups and downs. She had to finish the school year online, due to panic/anxiety. But she also seems mostly fine now.
My question is: How can I ever know that it’s OK to leave her again? She really wants to be treated as “normal,” like her sister. I don’t want to pathologize her, and she’s sick of therapy and hates the idea that she needs any special care. But, obviously, I worry all the time. I’ve left her overnight for work trips since then, and she’s been all right, but it’s really stressful for me and my partner, and it’s stressful for her too. Now I have a work trip coming up, my partner is coming with me, and the plan was for her to come too—but she doesn’t want to go. Do I have to force her to come? How long does this last? Is there ever going to be a time when it feels OK to let her stay with friends or family while I go out of town? And how do I take care of her without making her feel like I’m suffocating her?
—Does Hypervigilance Ever End?
Dear Hypervigilance,
Even if she’s “sick of therapy,” she must continue it. If she’s exhausted the resources of the therapist she’s been (or had been? Have you already discontinued it?) seeing since she was younger, it’s time for a new one. This happens. But if at 14 she is still having panic attacks, had to finish the school year online, and becomes anxious when you leave her at home with her sister and stepfather, it is too soon to assess her as “mostly fine.” So the first order of business is to make sure she has the help and support she needs.
I recognize that she wants to be treated the same way her sister is, and that she hates the idea of special care; the solution to this is not to accede to her demands but to help her understand that there is no such thing as normal. Explain to her that everyone is different and needs different kinds of support (you might offer a bunch of examples; if you look around, I think you’ll find that they are easy to come by), and that her sadness (when it comes—if it comes) and anxiety/panic are aspects of herself that she needs to learn how to cope with and manage. Tell her that everyone has aspects of themselves or their lives that are hard, troubling, or just sometimes get in their way. Some people may make it look easy, but in fact, it’s not really easy for anybody.
But that is all advice for helping her. You need help too. (I know you do, because I’ve been there.) I urge you to see a therapist to talk about what happened two years ago and about how it’s affecting you. The two of you having at least one session together, with either your therapist or hers, would be especially valuable. I can’t tell you when you’ll feel at ease again leaving home, because there is no timeline for recovery from something as traumatic as a child’s attempted suicide (there is no timeline for recovery from any trauma).
I do know that forcing her to go with you on a trip is not a good idea—it will make you both miserable. I’d talk to her therapist about it (if she still has one; if she doesn’t, and you’ve yet to find a new one, do that now). You don’t mention when this work trip is coming up, or whether it’s one you are absolutely obliged to make, but if it’s very soon and your job would be at risk if you were to skip it—and there is no therapist for her or you in the picture—I think your best way forward is to talk to your daughter frankly. Tell her you hate to make her come with you, but that you are too worried not to—and that as soon as you get back, you will both be seeing therapists and figure out how to move forward from what’s happened.
You most likely won’t have to be so vigilant forever. She most likely will be able to stay with friends or family when you go away—she may even be able to stay alone when she’s older. But she will need help to get there. And so will you.
—Michelle
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