One of the biggest challenges to emerge for today’s parents is how to manage screen time. Nearly every parent has encountered arguments for and against screens, seen families using them in restaurants and on planes, and felt guilty at least once (if not once a day) for letting their kids watch TV instead of being at the playground. And yes, we know, the debate is exhausting.
Complicating the problem of screens is the fact that not everyone in your village is going to have the same parenting philosophy as you—not even your own relatives, as one mom on Reddit recently found out.
Why One Mom Confronted Her Child’s Grandparents
The mom of a 1-year-old wrote to the r/parenting community because she found that her child’s grandparents—who watch her one day per week—purchased the child a tablet. “I’m adamantly against her having a tablet/phone until she needs one for school,” the mom wrote.
She’s not alone in her rejection of screens at such an early age—the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommends that parents avoid exposing children 18 months and under to screens unless they are speaking to a loved one on a video call. Meanwhile, children ages 2 to 5 years old should keep their screen time limited to one hour per day on the weekdays.
Given those recommendations, it’s not surprising that this mom is apprehensive about her child being exposed to a screen for an extended period of time, even if it is one day per week.
But that’s where the simplicity of this issue pretty much ends.
The True Cost of Free Child Care From Family
The problem is, when you’re receiving (what I’m going to assume is) free child care, there’s an argument to be made that the caregiver in question should get to decide the kid’s day-to-day routine. I say this from experience—such a mindset drastically reduces conflict.
My in-laws watched my daughter several days a week before she started school. I wasn’t exactly excited about Paw Patrol and Hershey’s Kisses at snack time, but I decided to let what I felt were relatively small annoyances go so that I could have a comfortable relationship with my in-laws and my daughter could enjoy her grandparents stress-free.
Now, a tablet for a 1-year-old is more extreme than the occasional piece of chocolate candy. And let me be clear that parents are always within their rights to set firm rules for what their children are allowed to play, watch, eat, and anything else.
But when it comes to family, you can’t always guarantee that your wishes are going to be honored. And if you find yourself being disrespected or ignored as a parent, you might feel forced to opt for different—let’s face it, more expensive—child care.
That decision is fraught, not just for financial reasons, but because it means separating your child from their grandparents, and implying that their child care choices do not align with your values, potentially opening up a big rift.
In this case, the mom wrote that she didn’t want to “cause a nuclear over” the issue, but she does consider it serious enough “to die on the hill over.”
Parents on Reddit Have Been Through This Before
Most parents who replied on Reddit understood her conundrum.
“I’ve had this uncomfortable conversation with my mom dozens of times. Literally dozens. In every capacity. And it’s that line of respecting boundaries meets the help they give,” wrote one commenter.
Another commenter agreed that it pays to embrace the most flexible and open-minded part of yourself when dealing with relatives who provide free child care. “I would talk to them about it, but ultimately there is often a cost to free child care…that you need to be more flexible about the rules. If this is a hard line for you, that’s fine, but holding it may require finding other child care,” they wrote.
But not everyone agreed that this mom would be better off picking her battles before rushing into an argument that could cost her a peaceful relationship with her in-laws.
“My kid, my rules. If they can’t listen to your rules about this, then you need to find alternative care for her,” another, very decisive, commenter wrote.
There is no easy answer to this dilemma, other than crossing your fingers that you have reasonable grandparents on your team, who do their best to hear you out. And they might surprise you. So no matter what you ultimately decide, be sure to at least give them a chance to change their approach.
And if they don’t? Well then you can decide how much free child care is actually worth to you.
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