TODAY’s Never Have I Ever series offers guidance about procedures and practices our trusted health experts would never participate in. Discover why they should be avoided and which healthy practices you should turn to instead.
How we process devastation, grief, loss and sadness isn’t one size fits all. Neither is how we offer comfort. However, of the many modes of support, there’s one that experts say is a big no-no.
Instead of consoling someone, this common phrase tends to “minimize what that person is experiencing,” licensed clinical psychologist Ayanna Abrams, Ph.D., founder of Ascension Behavioral Health, tells TODAY.com.
By saying it, you “are dismissing the validity or maybe even the intensity of what is happening,” she adds. This response lacks empathy and fails to make an emotional connection between you and the person you care about during their time of need.
Though you likely mean no harm, telling someone to “just get over it” is doing the opposite of what you intended, which is why Abrams avoids it at all costs.
Never Have I Ever: Told Somebody to ‘Just Get Over It’
You might tell someone to “just get over it” because you don’t know what else to say, Abrams says. Sometimes, when we don’t know how to show up for someone, we encourage them to make the problem go away. That move, however, is more beneficial to you than it is to the person seeking help.
Other times, frustration is the driving force, Abrams says. You might tell someone to “just get over it” because you’re tired of hearing about a particular problem again and again.
In her practice, Abrams has also found that some people think this is a helpful thing to say. “Like it’s something the person hasn’t thought of,” she says. But trust that the person has likely tried to get over it and can’t.
Why?
By telling someone (or yourself) to “just get over it,” says Abrams, you’re encouraging someone to disconnect from their emotions — which any mental health expert will tell you is never a good thing. Suppressing a feeling almost guarantees it will “demand to be felt,” Abrams says. The more we try to push them aside and compartmentalize, the more they’ll keep making their way to the forefront of our minds.
Studies show that pushing feelings away causes stress, which can cause coronary artery disease and stroke, and adverse social outcomes. It can also lead to anxiety and depression, Abrams adds.
Encouraging someone to get over something can also cause feelings of judgement and shame because they’ll feel like they’re not processing something quickly enough.
What to Do Instead
If someone tells you to “just get over it,” says Abrams, turn to these coping mechanisms instead.
Sit with your emotions.
“This is a practice of mindfulness,” says Abrams. “It means allowing whatever comes up to come up, whether that’s physiologically, whether that’s emotionally, whether that’s physically. It’s not fighting the thing.”
“Oftentimes, unpleasant emotions stay around longer because we try to control them,” Abrams points out. “If you are able to engage in a tolerant act of letting emotions move through you,” they’ll eventually make their way through your body.
Once we allow ourselves to sit with our emotions, “we learn how to cope with them differently, and it mitigates how they sit in our bodies,” she adds. Eventually, that emotion will take less and less of a toll on your mind.
If you find yourself itching to tell someone to get over something, do this instead:
Practice empathy.
“Meet the person where they are,” says Abrams. She suggests phrases including:
- “That sounds like it’s really still bothering you.”
- “That sounds like it’s still really hard for you.”
- “That sounds really difficult.”
- “I can hear the frustration right in your voice.”
You might also ask the person what they need: “How can I help?” “Do you want advice?” “Do you just need someone to listen?” “Do you want me to distract you?”
By doing this, says Abrams, you’re reminding this person that their feelings are worthwhile and they can rely on you to take them seriously, and they’re not alone.
Offer physical comfort when appropriate.
If you find yourself struggling with words, ask for consent to touch and ask, “Do you want a hug?”
Otherwise, you can ask, “Want to go for a walk?” Research shows movement is a great way to work through heavy emotions, says Abrams.
Finally, if you’ve already told someone to just get over it, you can still course correct.
Apologize.
Lead with honesty, says Abrams, and say you’re sorry. Tell the person you didn’t realize that encouraging them to get over it would have the opposite effect. Explain that minimizing their feelings wasn’t your intent and ask how you can better support them.
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